The Deepening
I’m writing from a place I call the deepening. It’s where I’m taking time to re-connect with myself after choosing to live how I want instead of how others want me to. I’m making a lot of decisions and changes so I’ve gone into semi-isolation mode to focus.
I need this isolation because outside is too loud and I need to hear myself think. I want to observe my body’s reactions. I want to study me. I want to see what triggers me and how I best re-stabilize. I need this isolation because I need to remember who the fuck I am. I want to remind myself that I can create whatever world I want for myself. I created the one I am now and I need a safe space to think about what the future one looks like. This is a humbling-ass path that looks like applying life lessons and sharpening new skills. It looks like getting creative about when to do the work. Instead of fighting fear all day, I wake up at the crack of dawn and do the work when fear is sleeping, or quieter at least. It looks like smoking ouid, sitting in my high brain bubble, leaving the world outside. It looks like deciding to stay home (not where I grew up) for Christmas to protect my mental health and continue this creative process. Calling out on Christmas is terrifying, but I was able to do it in a mature, honest way and stomach my mother’s yelling, crying, and agony thanks to Dr. Nedra, Dr. Thema, Dr. Ginger. Dr. Ginger’s class changed my life y’all.
Instead of wringing my hands and feeling guilty about taking the time and space, I have decided to enjoy my first Christmas by myself. I’m cleaning my apartment (supposed to be doing that right now), playing good music, cooking myself a chicken (I’ve come to accept that side dishes are not my forte which is probably why I love them at restaurants…), smoking ouid, sitting at my arts & crafts table, and creating something. Over the next several days I will be laying down, planning for 2023, and doing two new things that make me uncomfortable. Sounds like torture but I guess it’s how people open up and experience new things? I’ll report back on this out of my comfort zone thing.
I’m so happy to be connected to myself and to be sure(r) of who I am and am not. I get so much confirmation these days, too. Over and over. Warm reminders that I’m on the right path. Things just falling in place. Waves of peace and contentment. Waves of pride for showing up for myself and giving me time. I’ve missed me. It’s been a while.
I’m reading, writing, learning, listening to music, singing, screaming, crying, dancing, speed walking, and connecting with my favorite people in a more meaningful way. Mostly while high. At this point I’m Snoop Dog’s cousin on the ouid side. Let me not lie. I’m an entry-level ouid smoker but I am building my skills. Ouid plays a large role in my being able to slow down and sort through my lessons/anxiety/overthinking/triggers/fear. It also plays a huge role in my laughing, arts and crafting, nature walking (walking to a park in Brooklyn) even when it’s cold out. Thank you to ouid.
Thank you also to Black women. Black women constantly show me it’s okay to move as myself. To pursue the things I want, and to show up in the way that I want. I love to see it so much and I am grateful to be among you particularly when it is time to grow, to reflect, to feel seen and affirmed, to be told the truth, to be given love and energy.
Right now I am trying to understand what the fuck adulting is and why everything hurts so much. I’m freaking out because my usual sources of wisdom have turned out to be wrong and I’m triggered because I’m remembering that I had to raise myself in a lot of ways and I have to do it again now. I found the language to articulate this trigger while listening to Warsan Shire talk about her book Bless the Daughter Raised by Voices in Her Head.
I stopped freaking out when I remembered who I turn to when it’s time for me to learn, expand, challenge myself: Black women. There is so much to tap into. It’s things like Issa Rae warning us not to listen to stupid people, to watching Abbott Elementary, to listening to Beyonce’s Lemonade video, Home Coming, and Renaissance, Sza’s SOS, Little Simz’s, No Thank you. Music that’s going to carry you through something while also teaching you some thangs.
It’s things like Ziwe asking Amber Riley about racist co-workers. It’s things like Loveland foundation and The Great Unlearn by Rachel Cargile. It’s people like Dr. Yaba Blay, Zeba Blay, Yrsa Daley Ward, Ijeoma Umebinyuo, who speak truth to power. It’s people like Renny Hunter Co. noticing that the IG page has 420 followers and manifesting that it gets 4200 next year. I do not know this person and she is speaking life. I love how safe it is around us.
I stay consuming Black women art, lessons, jokes, stories, etc. All while smoking ouid called Afro Puff, using tools I purchased from a Black woman owned spot with immaculate vibes. What a fucking time to be alive.
I love it over here.
I love us.
I love our world.
I love our universe.
Sending you all the love and healing energy as we navigate this thing called life.
