Fall Back
It’s almost time for the clocks to fall back an hour and for me to fall back for the winter season. I won’t be gallivanting up and down these streets this winter so if you see something, say something because it’s going to take a village to hold me accountable. I plan to be inside, saving money, dreaming, doing inner work, executing on dreams, all while high. I’m trying to fill my days with things that I love and keep the creative juices flowing. These spaces of high ideating, high healing, high creating are sacred and treasured. The energy and vibes are supreme…most of the time.
Today I woke up in a funk partially induced by the fact that I went out and had too many drinks on a day where I was supposed to be home, resting, and preparing for the week. The issue isn’t that I took a day off to have fun but that I did it to avoid the work I need to be doing but am overwhelmed by. It feels like I’m veering off the path I’m supposed to be on and I’m struggling to stay the course...insert high levels of anxiety. When I’m in a highly anxious state, ain’t shit getting done no matter how hard I push and prod myself. I decided to take the day off instead of fighting with myself. No work, just vibes. I know this is a luxury and sacrifice, but it was worth it. It is worth it. I am worth it.
My day off includes writing to you, high, as I listen to my classical music playlist and take deep breaths. I’m feeling a little battered by my healing and growth journey, so I’ve been trying to self-soothe and be tender with myself. Some relaxing things I’ve been doing: lighting candles at all times of the day, breath work in the morning and throughout the day, writing and reading and practicing affirmations, and journaling (mostly) every day.
I feel like I’m in school and very important life lessons are in progress. And baby, the trials and tribulations are already in effect. Like, bam, rejected by a guy I was into and put myself out there for. Time to work on ego, insecurities, early-attachment issues! Picture me sitting on the ground where something (likely my ego) has recently exploded. I’m dazed, wide eyed, and confused while the sound of my voice saying “but I’m a bad bitch,” rings in my ears repeatedly. That’s what’s going on in my head while I also try to find the root of my pain, because I’m on that growth tip.
The pain of the rejection is a little about the guy and a lot about my insecurities, unmet needs, etc. In my mind this person saw how damaged I am and doesn’t like me because of that. I know it's a rough thought and not even necessarily true. But it’s not a random one as someone who was raised by folks who often tell me I’m hard to love because of my personality. Because I am not soft enough. Because I am too independent. Because I am too outspoken. The very things they criticize are the things that helped advance us as a family. I, as many can relate to, was hardened by immigrant struggles and I cannot magically soften particularly in environments that force me to stay in my armor.
A rejection feels like the world is ending because it feels like the criticisms are somehow right or confirmed. They are not right nor confirmed. But still, this feeling is why I don’t usually put myself in situations where I could get rejected. So I don’t have to wake up in the middle of the night thinking “wowwwww this man really just fumbled me!” Like, REJECTION? [Insert New York reaction to someone saying she looks like Beyonce]. Whew. Back to breath work with a focus on inhaling acceptance and exhaling the ego and intrusive thoughts. Inhaling love and appreciation for myself, exhaling shame and judgement. This shit is rough but it is worth it. I am worth it.
I’d like to end today’s entry with gratitude. I am really grateful to marijuana for seeing me through my growth journey. Ouid really keeping the panic attacks at bay when trial and tribulation come out to play.
Blessings to y’all.
Music recs:
