Happy Proud Scared
GUESS WHO IS BACK?! It’s been a long time. I took a beat to collect myself after leaving my toxic ass job. I traveled and relaxed (kind of) for a bit, now I’m home.
I didn’t smoke or ingest ouid for a couple of months so I was worried that my good friend wouldn’t hit the same once we reunited. I was worried the edible wouldn’t give me glitter eyes, the blunt wouldn’t give me instant calm. Nonetheless, I got a couple months’ supply of ouid in the form of pre-rolls and edibles the second I got home and tried a quarter of a quarter of a churro cookie edible that tastes like snickerdoodle. Uneventfully, I got too high and fell asleep. For me, too high is my active thoughts getting chopped and screwed. Like a record of my mind is playing and there’s a DJ who is scratching it every other minute in a way that doesn’t sound good. Then the record shatters and the thought shards float in the air getting mixed up and form a disorganized record. I realize that was a very high description. High writing doesn’t always make sense.
My second attempt to get high like I used to was pretty good even though my thoughts still weren’t smooth. I think this has everything to do with how I am inside and nothing to do with the edible. Hella stress in this life. Me trying to control the experience instead of riding the wave. Next high, I had a good call with my cousin where I weaved together such a good overview of my travels, describing the wild themes and juxtapositions in the trip. I literally used the word “juxtaposition” on the call.
Today I took an edible and got real inspiration. I journaled, jotted down my high inventions, and watched a tree sway in the wind outside my window. The beautiful high that I love is back. I feel exactly like I’ve been wanting to feel. Light, goofy, witty, back to myself. I’m delighted.
This high helped me realize that I am my favorite person in the world. I am my favorite person to keep me company. I love my taste, my truth speaking, my individuality, my ability to try new things, the fact that I try hard to be me and do me. It doesn’t mean I’m perfect or fearless or not messed up. In fact, I feel so messed up. Which is why I stay trying to protect my space.
I’ve gotten really close to me lately. I made big life changes for me and I’m making sure I’m not abandoning myself when I’m making changes and doing new things. Again, it’s not perfect, it never will be, but it’s something about having my own back.
I love myself for taking me seriously, leaving a toxic situation when I needed to, for believing in my purpose and for taking risky steps to be in line with it. It’s stressful as fuck but my inner child has never been more at peace. This season I’m happy, proud, scared.
Songs I’m listening to while fighting for my life:
